I just made out with a guy for $7.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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