Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
