Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
