i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
This is the high leading the old right now
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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