She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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