Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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