I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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