exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
