i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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