i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
