So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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