he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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