If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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