I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
