Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
