How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
