I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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