Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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