so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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