This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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