fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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