look no pants
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The Olympian is in my bed
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
