why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
