Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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