im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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