The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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