now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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