Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
