it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
