Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
