remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
