In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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