you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
