he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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