It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
