I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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