Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
