It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
