just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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