My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
