I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
