Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
