Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
