the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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