I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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