I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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