you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
