I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
