Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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