Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
