i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
